I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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