my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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