I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
