I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
