Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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