Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
