last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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