Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
