She bit a glass in half.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
