I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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