I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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