I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
