My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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