I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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