I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize