don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
