probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
