just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize