man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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