Redeem this text for a blowjob
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
