Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
