So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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