Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
