You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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