Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
