I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize