I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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