Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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