Having a random hookup so left but love u
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
