Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
