I can text with my tongue
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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