I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
