I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
