So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
