Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize