I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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