i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He shit in the fireplace
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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