im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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