The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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