Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
