false alarm. still invincible.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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