i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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