i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
