Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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