Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
