I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
