Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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