I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
