At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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