I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
