We named our party play list daddy issues
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There r osticjed everywhere
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
