You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
