It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize