at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
