Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
