Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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