Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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