the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
