Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
